Lonelily
by ricochet24
Summary: Ellie's pointofview as Jay drives away from Wasaga Beach.
1. Chapter 1

_**Lonelily**_

**_I gave me away_**  
**_I could have knocked off the evening  
But I lonelily landed my waltz in her hands  
In a way I felt you were leaving me  
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home_**

I won't look back. I refuse.

I sit back in my seat, my fists clenched and my eyes staring straight ahead, blurred by the sheen of tears that I will _not_ let fall. I will not let Jay or Emma see me fall apart. I will appear strong and angry but really be dying inside as I'm abandoned by the one person who truly loved me completely. Even the bad parts.

I hear the driver side door open and the chair flip forward. Emma crawls in the back quietly, and Jay slides easily into his seat. I can imagine his signature sunglasses in place, hiding his eyes as he fights back his own urges to cry because who the hell does he have left anyway? Alex? She's ignored him since the shooting and something tells me the Montreal Crew hasn't been hanging around lately. Emma is probably in the back, hurt and confused and wondering how the guy who saved her life could just as easily disappear from it.

I'm wondering the same thing, Emma.

**_And you let me down  
You could have knocked off the evening  
But you lonelily let him push under your bone  
You let me down  
It's no use deceiving  
Neither of us wanna be alone_**

**_You're coming home, you're coming home_**

I hear sniffling, and I'm waiting for Jay to make some crack about Green Peace crying.

He doesn't.

And that just pisses me off completely because why should things change just because Sean decided he couldn't deal with life in Toronto anymore?

Jay turns up the music, and I lean my head against the glass of the window, staring at the scenery as it zips by, aware that every mile marker is taking me further from _him_. It's only two hours, I tell myself. I was ready for a long-distance relationship when Sean was moving to Alberta, but this time I knew it wasn't an option. Sean didn't want a long-distance relationship. When he told me he loved me next to the car, he was saying goodbye. I recognized that look in his eyes. That look that says "have a good life and take care."

Fuck him.

God, I wish I had my own car.

**_I gave me away  
I could have knocked off the evening  
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold  
In a way I lost all I believed in  
And I never found myself so low_**

He wouldn't even talk to me. I was there for him every day after the shooting. Five days. Five days, I sat next to him as he watched the news. For five days I lay next to him in bed as he had nightmares. And for five days I begged him to let me in. Did he? No. He just told me that I would never understand and locked himself in the bedroom.

I made love to him for five days. I rubbed my hand over his shoulder as he lay on his side. He begged me to touch him, and I went along with everything he wanted. We lay in the dark, our arms wrapped around each other, and I'd tell him I loved him, and he'd whisper it back. I could feel his breath on me as he said it. I touch my hand to my cheek, my fingers trembling as they brush the spot where he kissed me before falling asleep just last night.

He wouldn't let me be there for him. I tried everything, and he just wouldn't let me be that person he needed.

**_And you let me down  
You could've called if you'd needed  
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead  
And you let me down  
It's one thing being cheated  
But you took him all the way through your bed_**

My jaw tenses as I hear Emma sniffle again. It takes everything I have to keep myself from turning around and slapping her across the face. She thinks _she's_ in pain? I don't care how long her and Sean crushed on each other, and I don't give a shit how serious their relationship was in its prime.

She's crying over my boyfriend and, excuse me for being selfish, but I don't think she has the right. He didn't leave her alone in an empty apartment. He didn't leave her with bills to pay and creepy neighbors. He sure as hell didn't promise her a future and then leave her the very same day.

"_I can't wait till all this shit's over, till it's just you and me and Beuller. It's going to be great, El. We're going to get out of this shithole apartment and we're- we're just gonna be happy."_

It was a shithole apartment, but it was _our_ goddamn shithole apartment. I didn't need all the things he promised me to be happy. I just wanted him.

**_And now you're coming home  
And I'm trying to forgive  
You're coming home  
And I'm trying to forget  
You're coming home  
And I'm trying to move on  
You're coming home  
And you haven't called yet_**

He didn't even try and stop me. He could have reached out and held onto my arm and stopped me from walking towards the car. He could have kissed me and touched me, but he didn't. I close my eyes and think back to the last time he kissed me.

It was this morning. He was just getting out of the shower, his towel wrapped around his waist, and I was passing by the bathroom as he brushed his teeth. He reached out and pulled me in, pressing me up against the sink. His lips parted against mine, his hands squeezed my hips, the water droplets on his chest dampened my shirt. I trailed my fingers down his stomach and to the edge of his towel, teasing him.

And just like that, it was over.

It was so fucking perfect that if I didn't know any better I'd believe he planned this whole Wasaga trip from the beginning and had given me the perfect last kiss to haunt me for the rest of my life.

**_You're coming home_**  
**_And I'm trying to forgive_**  
**_You're coming home  
I'm just trying to forget  
You're coming home  
I'm trying to move on  
You're coming home  
But you haven't called_**

**_You're coming home  
You're coming home, you're coming home_**

My eyes open, and I blink slowly, realizing that we were now driving through Toronto, and I had fallen asleep. I sit up a little straighter, and Jay glances over.

"Well, Sleeping Beauty..."

We stop at Emma's first. She steps out, and I think she's about to say something, but she just looks at me and closes her mouth. We watch as she walks up the steps to her porch and goes inside. I know I'm next, and I'm dreading going home to an empty apartment.

I'm a little surprised when Jay gets out of the car, too, but I don't say anything. I open the front door, and we walk up the narrow staircase to the second floor. Creep neighbor number one is unlocking his door as he balances a case of beer in his hands, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. I want to tell him that smoking isn't allowed inside, but I'm honestly too afraid of what he could do to me when I'm alone. He steals a glance at me from the corner of his eye, and I suddenly a shower sounds inviting.

My hands shake as I take the key from my bag and stick it in the keyhole. I'm thinking that maybe this is some sick joke, and Sean will be waiting for me inside, laughing that I believed he could ever really leave me. And I'm sickened that I actually believe that this could really happen.

The place is dark and empty, and I feel the bile rise in my throat.

"You going to be okay?"

Jay's voice is soft, and I think that I can actually hear concern in it, but I just nod my head. The lights turn on and the sight of Sean's _things_- his car magazines and his Corvette poster and the cup he drank out of this morning- is just too much for me to handle.

"Oh God..." I whisper, as my voice cracks.

"I'm going to go, okay?" We both know what's about to happen, and Jay doesn't want to hang around and witness my breakdown. He's never been good with emotions, and I've never been good with letting anyone see me actually feel.

I slide down the wall onto the floor as soon as the door closes behind him, and I draw my knees up to my chest. My tears are hot, and my throat starts to burn. The sound of my own crying sounds foreign to me, and I hate it. I hate Rick. I hate the people that teased him. And I hate that I'm angry that my boyfriend played the hero.

But- oh God- I love Sean...

And I'm scared.

And I'm so tired of having to deal with this over and over again. First Marco, then my dad, my mom, now Sean...

I wipe my tears away from my face angrily. If Sean wants to run back to the parents who gave up on him, then _fine_. Let him leave. Let him abandon the girl who did everything to make him happy.

Damnit, I love him. Why isn't that enough for him?

Suddenly I was in the bathroom, and my hand was closing around his razor. How perfect. I almost want to laugh at how unbelievably perfect this whole situation is. I stare at my arm and bring the cold metal to it, hoping to take my mind off the indescribable pain I was experiencing. The metal sliced my arm, and a small line of blood appeared.

This is just something I have to live with. I'm a little comforted in the fact that I left Sean with something he has to live with, too.

The last look I gave Sean was heartbroken and disappointed, and I hope he sees it every time he closes his eyes.

**_I gave me away_****_  
I could have knocked off the evening  
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone  
You let me down  
There's no use deceiving  
Neither of us wanna be alone

* * *

_**

Grrr! I didn't want to start this story until I was finished with April Child... but... I couldn't resist! I was listening to the song and kept thinking about it. (Lonelily-Damien Rice)

This story is about how Ellie dealt with Sean staying in Wasaga and is going to follow the show's storyline more and be more in character for Ellie. This chapter may seem OOC but I was just trying to get across that she was really hurt and confused as to how she was supposed to feel and very bitter about the situation (which I think we saw in Neutron Dance with the whole "guys suck" speech.) I really just tried to write this chapter stream-of-consciousness since it was what she was thinking as they were driving home and not so much dialogue or any character interaction.

I'm going to try and finish the last two-three chapters of April Child before working on this one again.

Please tell me what you think, and I look forward to reviews/constructive criticism.

And OMFGJSKZZZ, if I don't get five reviews I am _never_ writing again.

****

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	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"_So... Are we going to try this again?"_

_I looked at Sean's fingers intertwined with mine and glanced shyly back at him. "Yeah." I bit my lower lip as I tried to wipe the ridiculous grin off my face, but it didn't really work. _

_Sean looked away for a second and shook his head with a small chuckle. _

"_What?"_

"_Nothin'," he answered, that silly look still on his face. He was secretly laughing at me on the inside, but I decided not to push it. After all, we had just made up after our fight on the school steps at lunch._

_His grip on my fingers was relaxed and he leaned on his side against his locker. "Maybe we should do something _you_ want to do this time?"_

"_What made you think I didn't enjoy the movie?"_

"_Maybe it was the laughing or maybe all the comments you and Marco made throughout the entire movie."_

"_You can't watch Elimination Round Three and _not_ snark!" I defended. I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe we could just grab some coffee or something after my co-op?"_

"_Sounds good. I'll meet you at the station."_

_We leaned in slowly for another small kiss, and I smiled against his lips. He squeezed my hand before letting it go and heading down the hallway, looking back once or twice._

I blinked slowly and stared at the red numbers on the digital clock on the night stand. It was two-thirty in the afternoon, and I was still in bed. Even better, I was still in my clothes from the day before. When your heart is breaking, you don't really bother to change into your pajamas.

It was a mistake, though. I _should_ have changed. And I _shouldn't_ have laid down in this bed last night. My clothes smelled like the beach and the sheets smelled like Sean. I turned my head and dug my nose deep into the pillow, taking in the scent. A fresh wave of tears spilled out of my eyes and dampened the pillow. I cried silently for awhile, sniffling every now and then, and ashamed of the hot tears sliding down my cheeks, leaving their trails for everyone to see. Well, maybe not everyone, but _I_ would see them the next time I looked in the mirror.

Would it be completely disgusting if I never washed these sheets again?

The numbers on the clock changed to three o' clock, and I knew then I was in trouble of becoming one of those dippy girls on soap operas that lay around in bed all day and wail when they fight with their boyfriend. Except my hair and makeup wasn't immaculate, and I wasn't wearing the latest designer duds from Neiman-Marcus.

I slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position and placed my feet on the ground. The hardwood floors were cold to the touch, and I remembered how warm the sand had been in Wasaga Beach. I had taken my shoes off while Jay and I sat in the sand as Sean meditated or whatever, staring out at the ocean. Emma had walked by, mentioning that she was going to talk to him, and I remember my heart jumping in my throat. I sent a glare at her back as she walked towards him. I hated that she thought she knew him better than me. She acted as if she knew what was best for him, and I was just holding him back.

And when Sean had flipped the jet ski... I'll never forgive her for looking at me as if I was to blame. Or that she got to him first after Tyler pulled him out. It should have been _me_ urging him to open his eyes, not _her_. But she had gotten to him first, and I've never been good at doing anything when I'm scared. All I could do was watch helplessly as Tyler ran into the water, and all I could do was run my shaking fingers through his hair as Emma rubbed her hands over his chest.

Maybe I _was_ to blame. Maybe if I hadn't said anything to him before he went out, he never would have gotten angry, and he never would have driven so dangerously. I should have just kept my mouth shut and tried not to get him to talk to me.

It was so hard, though. The days after the shooting were unbearable. Sean wouldn't talk to me, and I didn't even know what to say. I've always been able to voice my opinion and put my two-cents in when Marco's having troubles, but I had no idea what to say to my own boyfriend.

Apparently, Emma knew what to say to him.

I sighed and stood up slowly from the bed. Here I am acting like a jealous freak about Emma Nelson. I shouldn't even care.

But I do.

She knew how to talk to him. She knew exactly what words he needed to hear. All I could do was tell him I loved him everyday. Silly me, I thought that would be enough...

My cell phone rang, and my heart leapt. It was Sean. He was calling to tell me that he missed me terribly and couldn't sleep without me by his side. He was going to say he made a huge mistake and couldn't bear to breathe if I wasn't breathing the same air. I grabbed my cell phone with trembling hands and looked at the caller I.D.

Marco.

My face crumpled, and I threw the phone onto the bed. No way did I want to speak to Marco right now. I'm sure he'd ask why I skipped out of school yesterday and why I didn't come today. What was I supposed to say? _Sorry, but my boyfriend bailed on me, and I'm too depressed_?

I wiped furiously at my eyes. I shouldn't be crying. He's coming back. He didn't tell me he was staying in Wasaga forever. He just said he didn't know how long. And if he loves me as much as I love him, he won't be able to stay away for long.

I stumbled into the bathroom and took a look at my face. Pale skin, mascara running under my eyes, and smudged eyeliner. At least I didn't look as bad as I felt. I turned shower on and stripped out of my clothes, tossing them on the floor. _Maybe I'll feel better after a shower._ I laughed out loud at my stupidity and stepped carefully into the shower. I turned around and allowed the hot water to hit me in the face and wash off all the grime from the day before. I barely even looked twice at the cut I had made on my arm the night before.

I picked up the bar of soap Sean _always_ used. It had been worn down to a thin bar, and I lifted it to my nose. This is what he always smelled like- good, old-fashioned soap. It was musky with a hint of spice. Maybe I should write commercials for bars of soap.

_Maybe I should just get a life._ I dropped the soap in disgust and picked up my bottle of shampoo. I squeezed a good-sized amount in my palm and lathered it into my hair. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of all the times Sean had joined me in the shower... Marco always had a way of predicting things.

"_Mind if I join you?"_

_I spun around and grabbed the shower curtain, pulling it around my naked body. "Sean!"_

_He chuckled and framed my face with his hands. "Ellie!"_

"_Don't..." I pouted. "We'll be late."_

"_Hey, I just want a shower. You're the one with all the ulterior motvies..." He pried the curtain away from me and let it settle back into place. _

_I relaxed when I saw the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me. He pulled me to him and ran his hands down my lower back. "You're so beautiful," he murmured in my ear. _

I scrubbed furiously at the conditioner in my hair under the spray of the shower. Sean and I had been late for school that day, but I didn't care. All he had to do was tell me how beautiful I was, and I was pressed against the shower wall, legs wrapped around his waist and my lips crushed against his. I always had been easy.

I finished rinsing the shower gel off my body and turned the water off. I shivered as I climbed out and wrapped my towel around my body. I had forgotten to turn on the heat and goosebumps were already making their way up my legs. After drying off I discarded the towel and tied my bathrobe at my waist. I heard my cell phone go off again, and I ran towards the bedroom. That little ounce of hope was still there.

Marco again. "What do you want, Del Rossi?" I demanded into the phone.

"Come open the door. I've been knocking for _hours_."

I rolled my eyes and threw the phone on the bedcovers. Of course he would come over. At least I didn't look like a roadkill raccoon at the moment. I unlocked the door and pulled it open a crack.

"Yes?" I peered out.

"Where've you been?" He pushed past me into the apartment "I didn't see you yesterday. You weren't at school today. What's going on? Wait, are you and Sean like... doing it?"

I cleared my throat and shifted my weight to the other leg. "Sean's not here."

"Oh. Where's he at?"

"Um..." I cleared my throat again. "He's in Wasaga Beach."

"_Where_?"

"Wasaga Beach, Marco. Are you deaf?" I snapped without meaning to.

"What's he doing there? When did he leave? Is that why you weren't in school today? Are you okay?"

I knew he would do this. I knew he'd ask a series of questions that I couldn't answer. He always did this. I tightened the belt around my waist and shifted weight again. Anything to distract myself from answering the questions.

"_Ellie_..."

I glared at Marco. For being my best friend, he really knows how to get on my nerves.

"He's staying with his parents for awhile."

"Ohmigod... Ellie, I'm so _sorry_! You must be devastated." He pulled me into a tight hug and buried his face into my hair. "How are you holding up?"

I pushed him away and flicked my wet hair out of my face. "I'm _fine_, Marco. He's only staying there for a week or two. He's coming back."

Even I heard the uncertainty in my voice.

"You poor thing..." Marco whispered.

That was it. I didn't need his pity. I didn't need him to tell me that Sean was never coming back. I could do that enough for the both of us. "Listen, Marco, while I really appreciate you checking up on me, I really don't feel like hanging out. Okay?"

"You need to be around people right now, Ellie. So why don't you get dressed, and we can go to the Dot and hang with Paige and Ashley."

I clenched my fists and urged myself to not lose my cool. "What I need right now if for you to leave me alone. I don't want to be around anyone. I want to just relax in my apartment by _myself_. Got it?"

"_Fine_," he snapped. "I was just trying to help."

I didn't look him in the eye. "I know... I just..."

"Are you coming to school tomorrow?"

I shrugged a shoulder and scratched the back of my leg with my foot. "I don't know."

"Promise me you'll call me later?"

I didn't answer him. He sighed as he kissed the top of my head and squeezed my shoulder before leaving. He stuck his face back in before shutting the door. "Just don't listen to Bright Eyes or any other depressing stuff tonight, okay?"

I made myself laugh to convince him that I was going to be alright. "Whatever, Marco."

He left and suddenly I felt incredibly alone. I looked around at the quiet apartment and decided to just lock myself in the bedroom again. I could just watch TV the rest of the night or read a book or study for my history test coming up on Friday.

Or I could just lay there and wallow in my misery like I'd been doing the entire day so far.

I opted for the latter.

I turned my cell phone off and stuck it back in my bag so Marco wouldn't be able to interrupt me anymore. Then I pulled one of my Bright Eyes CDs out of my case and placed it in my CD player. I pulled the comforter around me and stared at the ceiling as I listened the lyrics.

I tried to convince myself it was just to spite Marco.

But I knew better than that.

* * *

**Hi! I'm here. I'm still alive! Here is chapter two, and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all the lovely reviews! And I was being sarcastic about the "needing five reviews to write another chapter" thingamajig. I would NEVER do that! I write because I like to, not to get a million reviews! **

** Next chapter: Ellie will return to school. There will probably be cameos from Ashley, Paige, Marco, Jay, and Alex. **

** I'm also in the middle of my next chapter for Desperado, so that should be coming out soon, too! **

** Reviews/Regrets/Suggestions always welcome!  
**


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